Saturday, March 22, 2014

Journal entry from the air..


I wrote this in my notes while I was up in the air on my way to Manila... Wednesday March 19th, 2014

Digging Deep

Digging deep for me isn’t  reaching down “deep" inside for that life altering memory/experience. I learned today that its appreciating the ordinary. How often do we do simple things like walk our dogs, run to the grocery store, talk on the phone, sit and do homework with our kids, make them snacks, listen to their stories about what happened at school? Everyday right? Everyday we do these basic things that we don’t remember years down the road. They are ordinary things that don’t stick out 10 years down the road, but we acknowledge they are there. By this domino effect of my thought process, I realized how much I don’t enjoy the present. (“The power of now” book by Eckhart Tolle) It would explain why when I look at the girls and see pre teens already and wonder what happened to my 5 year old babies!? I’ve been worrying about everything else under the sun for so many years that I didn’t get to enjoy the girls growing up!  I worried about things that every parent and adult has to worry about: rent, car payment, groceries, work, me time, college money for kids. Those are just off the top of my head. Im my finding, I worried and stressed over the little things like, “What am I gonna make for dinner? I want something healthy for the kids but something special that they will ask for all the time” (I loooove my moms chicken casserole, I still ask for it) But while 20 minutes has gone by and then the trip to the grocery store, it has taken 2 hours. Then I come to terms with, “Wow I just wasted that much time and I haven’t even cooked dinner yet” I’ve spent money on ingredients that I won’t use after this dish as well as take time away from my kids. Now Im not saying Ive stopped doing this all together, I’m saying that I did this too often, but still do it. Its GOOD to go out of your way to make something special! Its GOOD to have a goal like a great healthy dinner and achieve it! I’m just saying its NOT good to constantly do very time consuming things because before you know it, your kids are 10 years old and speaking to you like they are in High School! 

It’s not like I don’t spend time with my kids or don’t listen to them, that I’m writing this, its the simple fact that I realized to appreciate the ordinary and not JUST the super spectacular moments like, giving birth or running my first half marathon! Make the “ordinary” moments appreciated and be grateful for them. The way I think is, “Im walking around the grocery store with my kids and letting them get a couple different boxes of cereal because they can’t decide together on one, when there are people that can’t even WALK let alone afford to buy food” Thoughts like that make me appreciate, count my blessings that very second and before I know it, that turned out to be the best grocery store trip with the kids! 

I soul search on a regular basis. It’s how I keep from losing myself and my mind in the times of stress and over flowing plate of concerns. Just go one day at a time and give full attention to the present, it'll keep your stress level at a medium, in my opinion.  Soul searching isn’t done over night. It’s a process of course. It takes a big blow of some sort to really get your inner self to come out. For example, a break up, losing a loved one or even “Silence”. Silence? For me, yes. I talk so much and worried about me, me , me, me that I didn't see what was going on around me! I practiced listening and not talking so much which was EXTREMELY hard for me. (If you’re like me, its a big blow to your ego) I started hearing and listening to my best friend tell me about her day with her husband and the dinner conversations they had, I started watching and understanding why the twins are fighting over who gets what and then coming up with a solution. When at one point I would of said “uh huh, cool, really?” to Tammy or “stop girls or you’re grounded” to my kids. If you re-read my examples, you’ll see that THESE are ORDINARY EVERYDAY things! Over time, I found that I had soul searched with just one simple practice. LISTENING. I shut my mouth and soaked in everything. HOW SIMPLE. Not easy, but SIMPLE. Much easier to find your self this way then go thru trauma of a lost loved one! BUT with a dramatic event, you do a lot more thinking a re-evaluating of yourself and the decisions you have made and how you can make better choices for your future. Trust me, my last break up, I had some major hang ups about myself and what happened that it left me lost and confused and at one time,very mad and spiteful. I controlled those thoughts with reading and writing or any other positive energy which kept me from “Self Sabotage” mode or that familiar downward spiral when we hit rock bottom.

Im not particularly sure why I decided to share this with my readers, but Im glad I did. Exposing my true thoughts and life experiences is the vulnerability taking over. Im being an open book which allows you to make your own judgements about me, and thats ok. 

I wrote this on my last 3 hours of my flight to Manila. I read a chapter from “The gifts of Imperfections” by BrenĂ© Brown and BOOM, it triggered something in me to write how I think and how the little people work in my brain! To my readers, I’ve always promoted happiness and independence. Several comments on my videos have confirmed that. Im SO grateful.

Have you done your part to promote self worth to others? What did you do today that you can look back on 10 years from now and say, “yea, that was a great day…..!”



  1. hi marissa! im america, from mexico... i love your videos but tonight i loved your post! you know, i had all this too in my mind. im busy mom of 3, a boy (7) and 2 girls (5 and 10 months). i have a job and like you im always worried for million things... i guess i have wasted too many time doing things and not enjoying all the good thing. for instance, my kids... i have to clean the house, i have to cook... and when am i gonna enjoy these moments? where is my chubby 3 year old son?!?!? time goes by soooo fast! i guess i have to enjoy all the mess, all the screaming at home... because its all i have, its all i really care about. and about your question, you know what have i done to remember these days? i've been playing a lot basket ball and a lot of board games with my kids.... i never do it... and guess what, i guess my son will always remember his mom playing basket ball with him!
    i guess the cleaning can wait :D

  2. Makes me wanna resume on my journaling. Reflecting like this, I believe brings out growth. Thanks for sharing this with us all, Marissa. You're so awesome.